


Facing Reality

by Erisolandmore



Series: Facing Reality [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: A lot of things, But there is suicide, Depression, F/F, I cried while writing this, I'm Sorry, If I tag its spoilers, JUST, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, poor jeremy;;
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 15:10:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14287626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erisolandmore/pseuds/Erisolandmore
Summary: Michael doesn't save Jeremy during the play, and its in which Rich manages to. But once Jeremy comes back to face reality, he finds that he would prefer the Squip's reality more.





	Facing Reality

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize ahead of time. Aha

It all started to seem slightly weird to Jeremy Heere the day after the Halloween party. His Squip had been telling him less info on what he does and how the outcome would be. He usually was oblivious but he noticed when something was off with the cold hearted robot in his head.

He decided to brush it away as he worked on his math work.

'No thats Wrong jeremy.' Another shock up his spine. 'Focus on this part of the problem before finding the new cylinder. God your a disaster.' His Squip hissed.

Jeremy just rolled his eyes and began doing what his Squip said. He was just happy enough to have someone around to help with this.

He hears a knock at his door. "Jeremy?" It was his dads voice, and he sounded... concerned? 

"Uh, yeah?" He turned in his chair a bit, facing towards the door. "Can I come in?"

Jeremy didn't see the issue and nodded, before realizing his dad couldn't see him. His Squip sighed. "Yeah come in." He hummed as his door creaked open. he turned his chair back to his desk and looked down. 

"Hey buddy." Jeremy cringed at the nick name. "There's, uh, this letter was at the door. Its addressed to you." His dad said before holding out said letter. Jeremy just looked at it curiously. "Uh, thanks. Ill read it when im done with my work." He said as he gestured for his dad to set it down on his desk. 

Mr. Heere nodded and gently and hesitantly set it down. "Also, this came with it." He said as he quickly went out and grabbed one of those typical office boxes. He set it down next to Jeremy's desk. 

Jeremy would be lying if he said it didn't spark his interests. "Thanks. Uh, i'll probably head to bed after this since it's late. Night... dad." He mumbled the last piece as he answered another question right. His dad nodded before excusing himself, saying "Goodnight son." Upon his disappearance.

Jeremy glanced over to the letter and the box, but got shocked. he let out a yelp. "Ah! What was that for?" He asked as the Squip entered the corner of his vision. "Focus on your work!" He waved a finger at Jeremy. 

Jeremy let out a sigh as he finished up his work. 

Once he finished, he stretched in his chair as he yawned. He checked the time, seeing it was almost midnight. He sighed in annoyance at how late it had already gotten. "Why can't you just give me the answers so we can be done and over with?" He asked his Squip as he prepared for bed.

"Cause, Jeremy. You need to actually learn." He said in his 'I know everything voice.' "But what's the point if ill have you forever." Jeremy snorted as he flopped onto his bed. 

His Squip just shook it's head. "Go to sleep." He said as he faded in lines of pixels an code. 

Jeremy was almost asleep when he remembered the box and letter. He quickly got up in his dark room and moved to the letter as fast as he could without tripping and falling on his face.

He looked at his desk for the letter and looked at the outside. He looked it over to only see his name scrawled on it in really shaky yet slightly familiar chicken scratch. he shrugged and opened it up.

He unfolded the paper that was inside only to see nothing. He raised his brows in confusion and just shoved it back in its envelope. "Must be mistake..." He muttered as he tossed it in the trash. 

he walked over to the box but upon looking in iit he saw nothing. His brows furrowed in frustration and confusion. "The hell?" He muttered as he looked alll around it. Was this some joke? Did his dad hope maybe he would find it funny? He found it annoying more than anything. 

With a scoff, he stood up and kicked the box before turning around to head to bed.

He didn't seem to notice the slight tingle from kicking the box, and how little the box shifted.

-Time Skip to after The Play-

Jeremy groaned as he blinked open his eyes. The bright light of wherever he was was blinding. "Ah fuck.." He muttered. He tried to remember what happened.

Ah yeah. The Play. The Squip. That would explain the pain being absent from his head.

He let his eyes adjust to the light as he looked around. It was weird. He was in a hospital. On top of that, no one was there with him. 

Not his dad, his friends, Christine... or, Michael.

"Michael!" He shot up in his bed, his head becoming light headed as his vision gave out for a little bit. "Gah. I need to stop doing that." He groaned as he looked around.

His phone and other belongings were right beside him. He guesses his dad brought them if he needed them.

He leaned over carefully and reached for his phone the best he could. He felt his fingers touch the cool surface of his screen and he quickly wrapped his fingers around the device, bringing it over to himself.

He opened his phone and brought up his contacts. His recents were all from Michael and occasionally his father. He quickly dialed the number and waited as it rang.

Usually Michael would pick up right away, but it was weird to him. Michael didn't. It went to voicemail after the several hundred rings. 

He tried again but it didn't work to no avail. He sighed and looked at his recents. They were all from different dates but the most recent ones where from early October. He let out a frustrated sigh this time and he decided to just text.

Then what he saw hurt. He had over 99+ Messages from Michael. Was he really not aware of Michael's existence at all during the SQUIP period? 

He swallowed as he clicked his messages. They started from the latest ones and he scrolled down as he read them.

Player One: Hey dude. Sorry I just kinda left u. I couldnt find u so I just left. Hope u arnet mad at me m8.

Player One: Hey. Man look. I said im sorry. R u rlly that mad at me??

Player One: Fine. Talk tomorrow dude.

\------

Player One: Hey! What was with that. U just fucking walked past me like I'm not there. R u rlly being that petty over it? 

Player One: I can make it up 2 u man just talk 2 me.

Player One: R u rlly not talking to me at all? Fine, two can play at that game Jer.

Jeremy just looked at all the messages complaining how he was ignoring him. It was painful to see but he pushed forward. 

Then the deep messages came.

Player One: Ur a fuckin asshole Jeremy. It's been a month. Get over urself

Player One: Saw u eating with Rich, Jake and all them.

Player One: Did u just ditch me for those assholes?

Player One: I hope ur happy with urself

Player One: It's bullshit. I put up with u for 12 god damn yrs and u fucking ignore me over something I've done b4? 

Player One: Fine, fuck u. Ur ass was annoying anyways.

Player One: I didn't mean that. I'm sorry dude. Just talk to me please

Player One: Night, I guess.

Player One: if ur even fuckin up

Jeremy skimmed over the others. The ones after his and Michaels encounters before he took the "upgrade" were where everything went downhill from there.

Player One: Fuck u dude.

Player One: I don't think I've ever hated someone as much in my life aside from Rich

Player One: That thing is fucking up your head.

Player One: Look, it's even making you ignore me

Player One: Whatever. It's gonna come back and bite u in the ass Jer.

\-----

Player One: Dude  
Player One: Holy fuck

Player One: This guy I play WOW with just told me his brother got one and went fucking crazy

Player One: Jeremy talk to me

Player One: It's fucking important.

\-----

Player One: Fck jermy

Player One: I did it again

Player One: I hope your happy

Player One: I rlly fucking need you and your too busy up Christine's ass to notice

Player One: Fuck u Heere. 

Player One: Don't even know why I bother.

Player One: Fuck Jeremy I shouldn't have done this

Player One: It was a mistake

Player One: I'm a mistake.

Player One: is that why I abandoned me 4 them? Was I 2 much to handle???

Player One: Of course I am. But fuck u

Player One: I'm going to be fine just to show u how I can live without you Heere.

Jeremy covered his mouth. He knew exactly what Michael was talking about.

Back in 7th grade when the tormenting started, Michael and Jeremy ended up with very different schedules. They only had Homeroom together, and that was only on Mondays.

Jeremy couldn't even handle the situations, the teasing, the bullying. So Michael was always there for him. He was glad he had Michael. But because he was oblivious, it wasn't until on day he had came over and Michael excused himself.

Jeremy had realized Michael was taking a long time, and so Jeremy went to check on him to be nice. 

Jeremy had heard the sobbing before he even knocked. He quietly wrapped on the door. "Michael, hey? You okay man?" He asked curiously with concern. There was a lot of banging and the drop of something metal. "S-shit no I'm fine, Jer! No ne-need to worry." And Jeremy already knew something was wrong.

He had walked in to see the blood, the razor, and the scars and new cuts. "M-Micha." He said softly as he looked at his best friend. Michael was an actual mess and it hurt him.

Jeremy found out that night a lot more about Michael. Michael tended to just bottle up everything. It was always to help Jeremy too. Just, with the bullying it hit Michael too much. Michael found it hard to stay happy, and with a lot of other issues around that Michael just went to self harm. Michael knew it was bad but he couldn't help it. He was never really... there... when it happened.

Michael apologized a lot to Jeremy, even though Jeremy should have been the one to apologize profusely.

So Michael must have relapsed, and it was all his fault once again.

Jeremy took a moment to control himself. Michaels scars had healed for the most part. The ones that were still visible were the ones closer to his wrists so he just wore a bunch of bracelets and rubber bands when he couldn't wear his hoodie or it was hot.

Jeremy returned to reading, the rest of the time they were just random times. Most of the time Michael texted him about the SQUIP and how Jeremy needed to get help. Others were when Michael tried not to but went back to self harm again. All cause Jeremy wasn't there.

Then the messages stopped until the night of the Halloween party. 

Player One: so. U rlly think I'm a looser?

Player Pne: Of course. Who would wanna be friends with a Stoner Looser with a PT Cruiser.

Player One: Ha. That rhymed.

Player One: If u rlly arnet gonna talk to me, then fine.

Player One: I can't take it without you.

[Message Deleted]

Player One: No. I'm gonna write you a letter. Just, don't take anything personally.

Player One: Bye. Or, well. Night Jeremy Heere.

Jeremy felt it was weird. Wait! The note. The one his dad gave him.

Jeremy felt things were going to go downhill quick. Cause those messages were the last ones sent. And that was 2 months ago.

Jeremy called his dad, not bothering to ask about Michael cause he needed to get home, and quick.

His father said he would come get him. And Jeremy felt it lasted forever as he waited.

Once his dad came and got him, he took in a deep breath. His anxiety began to spike so all he could do was breath in deeply and try to clam himself before he had an Anxiety attack.

Although despite what he did it was still hard. 

Once he got home, he ran upstairs. He dad called after him but he was more focused on the letter. He looked in his trash bin and saw it.

He pulled it out and he could immediately read the very Shaky chicken scratch. 

It was Michaels.

Jeremy quickly yet carefully grabbed the letter. He unfolded it and saw two pages of a letter.

He read it carefully. He felt something was very wrong.

The letter read:

Dear Jeremy Heere, my Player Two, my Boyf to my Riends,

I hope this finds you while your good. Hope your happy and things with you and your father are great.

I hate to have to do this, just I need too.

I can't take it. Seeing you with all those people. Rich, Jake. The guys and girls who tormented us? And your Friends with them!

It hurts me. To see you so happy with other people. I know it sounds selfish but when you ignore me for almost an entire half a school year, I can't take it. 

So here are a few things I need to say and tell you.

Jeremy Heere, I love you. And not in the "No Homo" kind of way. All the homo dude.

I started loving you in 6th grade. After you brought me that custom made Magic the Gathering on the birthday no one remembered. 

7th grade rolled around and in waltzed little miss perfect, Christine Caligula. But I cant hate her as much as I want too. She is too great of a person and doesn't deserve it, even when she took what I could never have.

How much I loved you, and how much you liked her hurt me. It's part of the reason why I had started self harming.

I love everything about you. The way your perfect blue eyes sparkle when your happy or excited. How they shine with this certain look when your concentrated or confused. 

When you grin like a big fucking idiot it set me on fire cause it was the cutest thing in the world.

I loved how nervous you could get, and all your habits were so unique and just every day I talked or hung out with you I feel deeper and deeper in love with you.

Your fucking curly mess of hair, I wanted to feel my fingers run through it. Just like when I calm you down.

Through every panic attack or break down you have, I wanted to be there for it. To take care of you. 

I wanted to treat you like a king. To show you that your loved. To make you feel loved.

Every time you said you were too skinny or ugly I wanted to grab you and just kiss you all over and tell you you were the cutest and hottest thing in the world, Jer.

I love you Jeremy Heere. And I was so okay just being friends, even when it hurt me at times. I loved what we had, so I never wanted to confess.

And if I'm going, I might as well do what I could never do in person.

So I will repeat it as many times as needed too. I. Fucking. Love. You.

I wanna hold you, kiss you, south you, and love you. I wanted to see you smile everyday, I wanted to hear your laugh once more. The laugh I knew and loved.

Not the cold perfect one, the one that "sounded like a hyena" with that wonderful snort in it. How your nose crinkles up when you are disgusted or confused.

I wanted to see and hear everything about the Jeremy I knew and loved.

The one who had a chronic masturbating issue, the one who slouched a lot, had acne, untamed hair, and a relaxing aura that soothed me.

And now, here I am. Writing a letter of things I can never ever say in person cause you fucking hate me.

You hate me, you'll never love me. I was bound to end up as a friendless looser at some point.

Who would wanna be friends or date a guy with greasy hair, smells like weed, drives a piece of shit car, is fat and ugly in every possible way.

Who wants to even be around a looser like me?

I hope that everything works out with you and Christine.

I hope your new friends can give you what I could never provide. Don't forget to give them the "how to take care of Jeremy" talk. Unless, you'll never gonna have those issues.

Are you even reading this? Or ever gonna? Probably not.

That hurts to think about.

I'm done being hurt.

So I'm going to stop the pain.

I already wrote notes to my parents. Not that they would actually care either if their shitty scholar student lived. It's not like they were ever there.

I left with this letter, a box of my personal belongings I want you to have. 

I hope you keep them Jeremy.

I'm sorry I disappointed you and took whatever perfect life you could have had away.

I love you Jer. I hope you live the rest of your life as happy as you can be.

Your Riends, Your Player One, Michael Mell.

Jeremy just stared at it for a long time, unknowing of what to do.

He just sat there.

What was he supposed to do. What to say?

Then it clicked. 

Michael loved him. His best friend of 12 years loved him. But....

He's gone.

Jeremy covered his mouth as he realized it. He had led his best friend to end it. To stop all the pain.

Only because he wanted to be popular he pushed away the one who needed him most.

"Michael..." He muttered. He felt his eyes burn and the all too familiar lump in his throat. He quickly closed his eyes and leaned over as he began to sob.

They racked his body violently as he tried to calm himself. He couldn't. It hurt too much.

No one was there for him.

His only help was gone

And now he is left here all alone to take care of himself.

He grabbed at his sides as the warm salty fluid went down his face. He squeezed at them tightly as he fought to breath. He couldn't do it.

He thought he was going to die.

He didn't know how much time had passed before he finally managed to breath and think.

The tears were still flowing as he looked over and saw the aforementioned items. 

He reached over and pulled the box close to him.

The tears started flowing hard again as soon as he saw everything.

He could see the bong that Michael always used. Jeremy couldn't help but let out a small yet sad laugh.

He grabbed a book of something. Upon opening it up, he sees pictures of him and Michael from all sorts of ages and places. He cries harder as he sees all the times him and Michael had fun.

He couldn't even focus well enough on them by the time he was through it.

He then saw a bag full of letters. The outside of the clear bag said, "All the love notes that I wrote but never gave."

And Jeremy read every single one of them. It was about how much he loved him, ways he wanted to confess, times during the day when he wanted to just grab Jeremy and kiss him. How he loved Jeremy's hair or his eyes. His smile, even when he had braces. Some were new and some were old. Some even had looked like Michael cried while writing them.

Jeremy set them aside. He spotted the old card he made Michael for that birthday no one remembered.

He smiled softly as the small memory and set it down. That was such a great day.

He then looked back at the box, and what he saw made it worse. He pulled out the plastic bag full of Michaels bracelets. His collectible vinyls. Michaels headphones... and his signature red hoodie.

Jeremy broke down once more, unable to think.

He didn't even process what wa happening, but he screamed at the top of his lungs. It was Michaels name as he got mad at himself and the world and punched the wall, breaking a hole in it.

He didn't feel the stinging of his hand or how it was bleeding. He just kept shaking his head a sobbing.

"No. No. No no no no! It can't be true! Michael! Please!" He screamed as he curled up into himself. He hated it.

He hated everything.

He hated himself.

He got rid of the only person who cared. The only person who... who loved him.

He slowly looked into the box and pulled out the red hoodie. If had all it's patches on it. Jeremy spotted the familiar AOTD one he got Michael for his birthday one year. And the Pacman one. He felt his body continue to sob more as he rubbed his thumb across the patches.

He pulled the hoodie over his head and on his body.

He hugged himself, as if he was hugging Michael.

Michael was always there when he needed it.

When he needed those all too familiar hugs.

He shoved his face into the fabric, breathing in the smell. It was faded, but you could still smell the Weed and coconut. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to calm down. "It isn't real. He can't be gone. Please, god please!" He whimpered as he slowly and shakily stood up. He walked over to his bed and laid down on it. 

What was he going to do now?

He wanted to go back. To before the SQUIP. Even when he had the SQUIP. Cause then he never would have known Michael ended his own life.

Jeremy pulled out his phone and looked at his voicemails. 

He held back a sob as he saw all the ones Michael left.

He pressed his ear to his phone as he listened to them.

"Hey Jer. Look. I'm sorry man. Don't be pissed at me bro. Look, I'll see you at school. You can hit me if you need to. Chow!" 

"Hey Jeremy. Look man, I said I was sorry what more do you want? Ah shit, I gotta go. Just, talk to me dude."

"Jeremiah Mother fucking Heere if you dont answer me dammit! I'll actually kill you man."

"Fine! Act that way man. I don't care. You'll come around."

"Dude please. Jeremy I need you. They're at it again. They won't stop screaming now that they're home. I know my grades are shit I'm sorry!"

"They took my weed man. Ima have to get some more now. Yay."

"Jeremy. -sobbing is heard- I need you. Please. I didn't mean to say those things. I didn't mean to bring a blade to my wrists again. I shouldn't have."

"No wonder you hate me. I'd hate me too."

Jeremy stopped. They got worse from there. He sucked in a shaky breath as he cried softly on his bed. He just laid there, on his bed in Michael's hoodie.

"What am I going to do without you, Micha. I'm sorry. I didn't want things to end like this." He sobbed.

"They didn't." Came a familiar voice. 

Jeremy shot uo and turned around to face the voice. There, standing in his door dram, was a glassy eyed frail looking Michael. His hair was greasier then ever and he had his arms across his body. He looked like he had come back from the dead. 

"Michael?!" Jeremy yelled. Michael flinched and seemed to shrink into himself. 

"Hey. I just.. came for my shit. I can get out of your hair afterwards if you wa-" Michael was cut off by the sudden pressure around his body.

"Michael! I thought you were gone! I didn't know what I was gonna do. Im so sorry man. I never intended to hurt you. " Jeremy began to ramble as he sobbed into Michael's chest. He was sure he was soaking it with his tears.

Michael just stood there, keeping his arms at his side as he blinked softly. He just looked at Jeremy. 

Jeremy finally stopped and was only sobbing.

Michael let out a small sigh and pat his back. 

It was silent between them aside from the sniffles and crying. 

Michael's shaky voice broke it though. "I didn't... I couldn't man. I attempted, but it didn't work out. Of course, it's the one time my parents come home and actually see me." He said as tears began to flow down his face. 

Jeremy just grabbed his face. "Don't you fucking say that! Don't think it! Don't do it! Dammit Michael I can't live without you. Fuck Rich. Fuck Jake. Fuck Christine. If you arnet happy and I'm not happy, then none of it matters. I get to have you back. It's a second chance. Your meant to live, not leave me. So now everything I do from here on out is for you." Jeremy ranted.

"Because I'm your best friend of 12 years. Your Player Two. Your Boyf." He said as he wiped Michael's tears off his cheeks.

Michael just stared for a few moments before he broke down.

Michael fell to the ground on his knees and Jeremy wrapped his arms around him.

And that night, Jeremy helped Michael for once.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry! I tricked you kind of. I cried while writing this which is a first. It came out kind of shitty but oh well. 
> 
> Hope you liked. Feedback is appreciated!


End file.
